Okay - so in a nuts and bolts way, your story works and it also speaks to a bigger story universe in terms of the way it ends. Your storyboard communicates too, so all my feedback concerns what I feel to be some of the missed opportunities here - in design terms and getting more of your concept on screen.
1) I think you need an establishing shot that comes before the factory interior. It feels like we need a big establishing shot that shows us the 'world' of your concept; this is a shot that could be calibrated carefully to tell us more about the logic of the society (before the story itself explains it) so for example, it stands to reason the 'non-readers' would live differently to the 'readers' - so is there a visual means of identifying the injustice of the system in an establishing shot? I think we need to understand that this is a 'world/civilisation' and not simply 'a place'... It could be as simple as having a 'crappy red district' and a posh district to show the divide in your establishing shot - but I think we need a sense of the bigger picture.
2) I think you need to expand on the 'Faigel looks for work' sequence - right now your story reads as if her desire to work in the other district and frustration at her discrimination happens in one go; it would be more communicative if you show us a montage-style sequence of her being rebuffed by multiple establishments - you know the sort of thing, doors being slammed in her face, other peripheral characters looking utterly shocked at her audacity etc. (Think of the sequence in Pyscho when we see the dectective Argobast talking to the various hoteliers when he's looking for the whereabouts of Marion).
3) More design, Annie - more conceptualisation of the establishments Faigal visits - the 'Kiosk' element you've envisioned tells us nothing more about your world, both in terms of the sorts of services Faigal is seeking to join, and just in terms of 'production design for animation' - you've got this amazing 'bird world' thing going on - and yet everything is a square or a rectangle - why isn't the architectural visual concept for this place more integrated into everything else - it's like you've forgotten all the wonderful battles of term 1... I want you thinking more about 'everything' that makes this world and why it's unique and special...
( I just implore you to let your imagination cook this world much more so - and really let lose as a concept artist for this imaginary world and culture of yours!)
4) Finally - I just think Faigel is just a bit too 'butch' in comparison with the male character. Like said previously, I'm loathed to get into some kind of conventional set of expectations around this stuff, but I just feel her neck is too thick and it's throwing her off in terms of our ability to understand her instantaneously.
I think you've done the hard bit, Annie - the story concept is good, but I'm going to push you to lavish more time, attention and love on this world of yours - there's so much more to be thought about, to be envisioned, to be designed and to be unravelled from your 'bird island' setting and the society you've created. This is a gift - unwrap it completely!
OGR 08/02/2018
ReplyDeleteHi Annie,
Okay - so in a nuts and bolts way, your story works and it also speaks to a bigger story universe in terms of the way it ends. Your storyboard communicates too, so all my feedback concerns what I feel to be some of the missed opportunities here - in design terms and getting more of your concept on screen.
1) I think you need an establishing shot that comes before the factory interior. It feels like we need a big establishing shot that shows us the 'world' of your concept; this is a shot that could be calibrated carefully to tell us more about the logic of the society (before the story itself explains it) so for example, it stands to reason the 'non-readers' would live differently to the 'readers' - so is there a visual means of identifying the injustice of the system in an establishing shot? I think we need to understand that this is a 'world/civilisation' and not simply 'a place'... It could be as simple as having a 'crappy red district' and a posh district to show the divide in your establishing shot - but I think we need a sense of the bigger picture.
2) I think you need to expand on the 'Faigel looks for work' sequence - right now your story reads as if her desire to work in the other district and frustration at her discrimination happens in one go; it would be more communicative if you show us a montage-style sequence of her being rebuffed by multiple establishments - you know the sort of thing, doors being slammed in her face, other peripheral characters looking utterly shocked at her audacity etc. (Think of the sequence in Pyscho when we see the dectective Argobast talking to the various hoteliers when he's looking for the whereabouts of Marion).
3) More design, Annie - more conceptualisation of the establishments Faigal visits - the 'Kiosk' element you've envisioned tells us nothing more about your world, both in terms of the sorts of services Faigal is seeking to join, and just in terms of 'production design for animation' - you've got this amazing 'bird world' thing going on - and yet everything is a square or a rectangle - why isn't the architectural visual concept for this place more integrated into everything else - it's like you've forgotten all the wonderful battles of term 1... I want you thinking more about 'everything' that makes this world and why it's unique and special...
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/fc/ba/e6/fcbae6e44a2a02f3fa9a29c900b0e56d.jpg
http://www.designbuild-network.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/21/2017/10/8-stadium-lights.jpg
https://www.e-architect.co.uk/images/jpgs/beijing/phoenix_international_media_center_u050112_1.jpg
( I just implore you to let your imagination cook this world much more so - and really let lose as a concept artist for this imaginary world and culture of yours!)
4) Finally - I just think Faigel is just a bit too 'butch' in comparison with the male character. Like said previously, I'm loathed to get into some kind of conventional set of expectations around this stuff, but I just feel her neck is too thick and it's throwing her off in terms of our ability to understand her instantaneously.
I think you've done the hard bit, Annie - the story concept is good, but I'm going to push you to lavish more time, attention and love on this world of yours - there's so much more to be thought about, to be envisioned, to be designed and to be unravelled from your 'bird island' setting and the society you've created. This is a gift - unwrap it completely!