Premise - About Aphantasia

Following a small talk with Alan about what Aphantasia means to me, He said i should write up about my experiences with it. So I did. He said I didn't have to post it all on the blog, but I don't mind sharing this if it helps other people learn about it.

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Imagine a beach. With its golden sand and its shining blue waves, maybe there's people there. The sun is shining they’re having fun. It's nice right? You can see it. Smell it. Hear it.

Now, imagine not being able to see that. Being asked to conjure up this complicated imagery and seeing nothing. A void, static, or some kind of messed up blurry version of a beach. Thats me. I see the void.

Now you might be thinking. That's because of a lack of imagination. It's too complicated to imagine. Well okay, I say. Lets try.. an apple. You can see it right? Its red. Or green. Maybe it's bruised. Who knows it's your apple. Simple right? You can turn it around, see how it would look in different angles. Different lights. I can’t.

Once again, Thats me. Something as simple as an apple. I can't even see that. It's silly. But it's me. And all my life i thought that was normal. I thought if i cant see this stuff in this so called mind's eye, then no one can. It's perfectly normal. But, recently i learnt people can. And that what i experience isn't normal.

This… condition, as much as I loathe to call it that, is called Aphantasia. And those with it are called Aphants. I Don't suffer, it's not a condition. It's just who i am.

You’d think as a creative this would hinder me, make me stop thinking. But no. My imagination is quite large. I can think of all these amazing worlds and how they work. But… I just can’t see them. Sometimes it is frustrating, but it's fine, I find ways to work through it.

As a budding character designer, it's sometimes hard to come up with designs, but once I get a design that clicks, drawing that character becomes almost like muscle memory. I can’t see them in my head, but i can feel the character, how they’d act, how they’d speak, and that flows onto the page.

With music, it's different. Some Aphants can’t hear a song in their head, but with me it's an earworm. Songs on repeat in my head, and then.. I can see.. Well not really see. But I feel warmth and colors and sometimes the colors show themselves and I see Warm Reds and Cool Blues.Whatever the music makes me feel. This also translates to my character design. The palettes I feel from music get jotted down. Music helps me create, even if I can’t see. 

With sound however,  I can’t… think. I hear something like a ringing like a essense of a voice but nothing comes out. I can hear them, it, me? But I can’t hear them at the same time. It's strange to describe, and I find myself repeating the essences in my head, over and over until I find something that makes sense. It makes it hard to read, hard to write, hard to think. Its numbing.

Now Aphantasia doesn’t affect dreams. Its different things. Dreams are subconscious, involuntarily conjuring imagery. But consciously trying to imagine images isn’t a dream. So sometimes I have the most vivid dreams, I know I do. I just can’t remember them, Can’t imagine them again, and can’t describe them when I wake up. Sometimes the dreams stick with me. I remember my very first dream. It was.. A street. With white lights almost ghost like floating in the lamps. And victorian esque people all dressed in white. Very gray. No color. And that was it. But I don’t remember what it looks like. Just.. that description i’ve remembered from it.

I can’t see faces in my head, but I can recognise people. I recognise my mother when I see her and my father and my grandad. But… Deceased people I can’t remember and that haunts me. I have a photo of my great nan, and I look at it and know its my great nan. But when I think of her truly think I… remember nothing of her features. Of her voice. All I know is she had an accent. Its strange. I have no photos of my late grandpa. All I remember of him is, I was scared, he liked to smoke and that scared me. I don’t remember what he looked like at all. Its.. sad. It makes me sad. I can’t even remember his voice I don’t know what he sounds like, I don’t know what he looks like and it's.. sad.