I added the changes you made and also made a few edits of my own to the dialogue and the wallflowers actions.
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I made two versions of the turnarounds, one for modeling and one for color reference purposes. I also made an "anatomy of" for the wallflower just in case the parts weren't clear.
Hi Annie - so a couple of things here:
ReplyDeleteI think there's some obvious opportunities for some humour in the 'butterfly's legs rub against your anther' moments. I don't think your rather posh, old-fashioned-y narrator would let that pass without comment; maybe something like: 'The butterfly's legs will rub against your anther - no funny business please!' or 'The butterfly's legs will rub against your anther - worry not - it's all above aboard!' I think you need to ensure the characterisation of your narrator doesn't disappear completely when you're dealing with the more technical bits. I think you should try speaking your script out-loud - acting it out - and you'll soon hear when things go a little flat.
Just in terms of the more technical bits where you describe what's happening (Ovum/Ovule) for example, my instincts are your client will want more of this on screen in addition to the metaphor of the waltz itself: might you consider having a diagram appear to one side of the action that puts this technical stuff in plain sight - with labelling - think of it as a 2D animated sequence composited onto the scene - and if you were to envision it in this way I think it would work in a nicely integrated way...
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/542261611368607948/
http://www.kickery.com/2009/07/one-step-variations-traveling-turns.html
Finally, I wonder if the butterfly's legs/trousers could be more elegantly shaped? He looks a bit bottom heavy in the side-view?